Keeping silence will only hurt me keeping me in the dark will scare me perhaps make me feel alone and startled . Scared of being alone and In more pain then ever I need to know your thoughts your pain, your hurt and feelings because without that I can’t breath I’m lifeless without you my heart is no longer together it’s broken up in a thousand pieces.
Suffering from post trauma stress disorder and depression is really hard to deal with. Some people don’t understand how it feel to be in my shoes or others who suffer from this mental illness or any of them. Some people can look as normal as possible or seem very happy but deep down inside their falling apart inside. Crying,screaming,and falling. People often ask me what do you have to be depressed about, and I answer sometimes when I wake up I feel this certain way like really down and feel like no one understands me. Some days I wake up fine some days I feel like crap. It just comes and go. It’s really hard to deal with. It’s a real struggle not everyone understands or have the patience to try and understand. I support everyone who has a mental illness because I understand and I know what it feel like to be alone and scared and not have that support sometimes. I don’t support the meds but I do support anyone who has any illness.
When I think of having a father I think of being protected,loved,cared for,a tight father daughter bond. But instead I got raped,physically and mentally abused. I watched you hurt my mommy and me. Every Since I was a little girl,I’ve always wondered when it was going to stop. It never did, I watched movies and tv shows of happy families wishing it was us. Wishing I had that father to hold me close and tell me everything will be ok,he will always protect his little girl. Walk me down the alse when I get married. Never knew what it felt like to have a father and never will. It hurts me inside knowing that I have a father full of hate,knowing that he doesn’t care or love his oldest daughter. I’ve always wondered why me why did you hurt me daddy. While did you put your little girl in years why did you think it was ok to touch me like that?Why didn’t you protect me? Why didn’t you love me?Why didn’t you teach me how a real man was suppose to treat me? Now I’m just hurting everyday every night. Having bad dreams and crazy thoughts. Wondering why you hurt me. All I ever wanted was a daddy. A daddy to love me. The tears that I have are unbearable the sharp pain in my heart is more then heartbreak. The feeling of numbness in my soul is scary. I feel so alone,scared,worried,and shameful knowing that my daddy hates me and don’t care for me. Why make me if you were only gonna hurt me. Should of just aborted me. And the crazy thing is you only did this to me,none of my other siblings just me. I’m the only one suffering😢😔😕💔
What would you say if I told you I was insecure about myself,low self esteem runs my life,it runs my heart,my soul, my everything. Deep depression and pure anxiety makes it 1 million times worth. People who told me that they loved me and care about me then hurt me. Makes me feel like there’s no purpose of me being here. I try to push myself to be a better person and love myself but it’s hard. It’s really hard to believe in myself I let so many people walk all over me just because I’m sweet and nice and I’m tired of it. I want to better my life, pack a suitcase full of stuff and move to a whole other state and build myself. I’m kinda scared of being alone. But then I realized I am alone already no mom no dad no family I trust but myself. So I should be fine been alone and only trusting myself for a long time. I just need to stop these insecurities and be a big girl leave and get my life on track try to heal myself and become a new and better girl…….
People have many different ways and inspirations that inspired them to do what they do today,rather it’s a career,hobby,ECT. I have many different inspirations that allow me to my stories,share poetry and memories with people. Things that I’ve been through in life and just everyday life inspires me to be a better and stronger person,to show the world that that what hurt you will not break you. I have A passion for caring and making people happy, I can relate to almost anything thing if it’s not something I’ve experienced it’s something I watched somebody else experience. Certain people I never had in my life as far as some family and friends makes me wanna be that person no one ever had due to the fact that I know how it feel not to have anyone like that. Anyone to talk to about different things. That’s what inspire me to be a better person to help everyone. I feel like my purpose of being here on this planet is to help people, give someone a home,food,protection ECT if and when they need it. That’s my job that’s my future and present. And that is why I’m here to give that to people,brighten up that person’s day who never seen to smile that right there is what inspired me to be me. If I can make a person happy or smile everyday then that’s well worth more then anything not even a million bucks will make me more happier then to put a smile on someone’s face. That’s my inspiration. What is yours?
They say when you love, love till death do you apart. When I love I love hard,my love is pure and affectionate. A little over a year ago I wrote a death note and tried to commit suicide on pills because I felt as if my life was going down hill. Earlier that year I have my girls up for open adoption so I was detachment issues and missing then alot, I had to move out of my place and into by my boyfriend’s parents house who I was only dating for 6 months because I didn’t have anywhere else to go, and because I felt as if my boyfriend didn’t love me like he said he did, he use to hangout with his friends more then me when I needed him the most, he even talked to girls online while he was home at his parents house with me. So I felt useless I was going through all of this stuff but he never paid attention to me. Until dec,26,2015 our 8th month anniversary instead of being with me,he made plans to hang out with his friends then left. There I was on the floor in our bedroom crying never felt so alone in my life, i then write a suicide more and had 3 bottles of pills on the floor next to me. I cried and thought that everyone hated me, before I taken the pills I texted him saying that since I felt so alone I was leaving this world. He texted back what’s wrong and I told him he then said don’t do it but I did it. I taken almost all three of the bottles of pills,he came home seen me on the floor he then called 911 and I was in the ambulance on my way to the hospital. When I got there they put me in the room had to make me drink liquid charcol to make me throw up the pills but i couldnt,I passed out they had to put a breathing tube down my throat because I almost died. I woke up almost two days later, and I was in the icu supervised I asked what happened and they told me I almost died. It was a really scary moment for me. I then had to go to adult psych ward for a week because I had a history of depression and anxiety and a few days prior that I was tried to commit suicide. While I was there I was scared,cold, and lonely never been to a place like that before I’ve seen people I never seen before people with way worse problems then me. While I was there I made me a journal, I was journaling the whole time I was there. I met two great people there who I stayed in contact with when I left. My boyfriend kept in contact with with me and came to pick me up. He told me that was his wake up call and that he was sorry. I wrote him a poem while I was there because he saved my life of if I was still home and he never showed up I would have been dead, all because I loved him and didn’t feel like he cared for me back. And the fact that I suffered with bad depression and anxiety it was horrible. Moral of my story don’t let love,pain,and hurt ever take your life away your worth way more, you have a purpose of being here, find that purpose. Don’t give up on life don’t give up on yourself.
Goodmorning,my hippies,readers,gypsies and bloggers. Today I woke up feeling great,opened my Windows to feel the breeze and hear the rain. I love the rain! I made me a nice carrot,banana,strawberry and blueberry smoothie for breakfast fed my dog and we went out for a nice walk in this beautiful weather 48 degrees and no snow can’t beat it. I wish every winter in Ohio was like this. I feel really good today, I swear I feel like something really good is going to happen to me this year for the first time in a while I feel amazing. I don’t know if it’s the smoothie, the weather or the walk hahaha. But I feel amazing. Let’s see what today bring for us all. Toodles everyone talk to you soon. Love you all
The craziest thing happened last night, I don’t know if I should feel bad or if I did the right thing. But last night me and my boyfriend we’re taking Lyla our 7 month puppy out for a walk and to get water bottles. As we were locking our door, I ran to go take the trash out, then I ran back in the hallway to find that my boyfriend was talking to this guy, he asked if we had a can opener to open some cans so my boyfriend said yes he unlocked the door and ran in to get it, we opened up the can. He said thank you and then he was going downstairs. As I was observing his appearance I noticed that he had a really bad smell to him and he didn’t have any shoes on, remind you I thought that he was a neighbor from upstairs, so I was wondering why he was going downstairs. So I kind of followed him to see why he was going downstairs on to find out that he went to the laundry room downstairs. I was in total shock wondering if he was homeless or whatever. Me and my boyfriend left the apartment to leave and I told him that I think he was staying in the basement. He said no probably not, so we went to Walgreens and left walking back home on our way home I told him to go check the basement as soon as we get there to see. Well we got back he went down the and there was the guy laying down on the laundry room floor with alcohol and food cans surrounding him. We then went to a neighbors door to tell him what was going on because he works for security he went in the room asked him what was going and he said that he didn’t have anywhere to go he was drunk and homeless, he told us not to call the police and that he would leave, he left and the laundry room smelled so bad. I was so afraid and scared I never went through this before out of all the places I lived it was a crazy situation. I felt bad because it was cold out and he didn’t have a place to go, but at the same time I didn’t know if he was a robber,killer,ECT he could of been anybody so I only did it to protect everyone and myself…
So far since I’ve wrote my story about my daughters I’ve been getting a Lot of love and feedback. A story I’ve held in for almost 2 years. I’ve finally had the guts to speak on it. And it feel amazing telling people my story, to actually have a audience to listen and look at me feel amazing. I have plenty of stories where that came from, some will make you cry, some will make you laugh.But they are all true stories, true stories from the heart. So I just wanted to say thank you for following, sharing, and just reading. Thank you so much I love you all.
People always asked me, how are my girls and where are they I try to ignore the question. But deep down inside a part of me want to tell them, well this is the story you guys all been waiting for. I’ve been a mother since age 14, my first kid I was sexually assaulted by someone. [info will not be disclosed for privacy reasons] I was young and didn’t know that that I was pregnant up until I was 6 months pregnant, I was 13 at the time I didn’t know anything about pregnancy. So I gave birth to her 6.21.07 she was 4 lbs and 4 oz her name was Lashonti. I had her a couple months early and she was a beautiful bright eyed girl. She was the key to my heart, the key to my happiness. Yes I was scared at first and it was hard being a young single mom but I accomplished some of it. A few later I was pregnant again with another beautiful bright eyed girl unfortunately her father was not man enough to take care of his daughter. She was born 11.11.10, her name was Lashyra. I remember the first day I bought her home her big sister was sooooo happy she was always so helpful. These girls we’re my life. I struggled hard with them though but I always kept them happy and smiling they never knew how bad we we’re struggling. Until one day when they both came home from school, the girls told me about a daddy daughter day they we’re having the next week. They both asked me about their fathers, my heart felt like it broke into a million pieces because I couldn’t tell them about their fathers. Lashonti’s father was a rape I couldn’t tell her that, so I told her that he moved far away, I felt bad for lying but she was young. And for Lashyra her father got killed when she was 1 years old she went to his funeral. I remembered I had just talked to him he was suppose to come see her the next day, but he had got killed. It was one of the saddest days ever. After that day I realized the girls wanted a family a mom and dad, I knew that i couldn’t provide that, I was barely making it with money, jobs and ect. That’s when I had to make the hardest decision of my life and that was to give them up for open adoption, I did it because I wanted my girls to have a better life, a life that I couldn’t give them at the moment. I wanted the them to have the life I never had, and I wanted to get myself on my feet, i’ve been a mom since 13 years old I never had a childhood because I was mentally,sexually and physically by my father. So I still had a lot of healing to do, yes it was a very hard decision but it was the best for us all. I miss them dearly and it hurts sometimes because I was so used to having them in my arms. They would bring pictures and make me flowers for mothers day. Whenever they email me call, or visit me I cry because I miss them and because they are more happier then anything. So when I say that I miss them this is why I barely speak about it. It was really hard for me to write about but I wanted too, so thanks for reading and I hope that I don’t get judge I feel like I made the right decision.